I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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