I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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