His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
