omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
