Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i think i just lost a toe
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize