yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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