yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
