Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
