She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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