Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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