Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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