Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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