I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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