You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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