I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
