the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
