I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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