my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
