I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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