we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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