What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
