I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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