made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
