I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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