the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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