I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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