I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
