i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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