There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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