people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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