So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
