The maid of honor just puked.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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