If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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