I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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