I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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