break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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