Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
