i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
