I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
