dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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