I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
