drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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