lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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