i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
