I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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