Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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