My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
