i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
