Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
