you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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