The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
