Sry I called you an 8
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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