So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
