Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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