My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
