Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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