i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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