apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
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Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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