my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
